I believe the way I got into kink is related to how my sexual experiences began. After my parent’s divorce, I spent the school year with my dad in Delaware and summers with my mom in California, which is where I met my first partner. She was very into exploring – “let’s do this, let’s try that.” It was really thrilling to be trying these new things and it instilled in me this excitement around sexual exploration and a desire for more knowledge of what was possible.

I didn’t date many people at my high school and I was home-schooled up until middle school. When I started going to public school I found that people seemed more concerned about what my sexuality was than who I was. It’s something I got teased about a lot. Not just my sexuality, but being kind of different in general, I’m multi-ethnic with a name no one can pronounce –  people often quizzed me about “what I was.” All of that coupled with being generally shy didn’t lend itself to feeling comfortable pursuing dating my peers.

My early college years was when I started dating more and getting more experienced sexually. I quickly learned other people weren’t as open or comfortable exploring sex as I was. That was a very interesting realization because in my ignorance I thought that’s how everyone was.

My first real exposure to kink and the BDSM community was when I transferred schools from the east coast out to San Francisco State University. My new boss mentioned that the Folsom Street Fair was happening that weekend without telling what it was. Being new and not knowing many people, I went to check it out by myself. Once I got there I saw a huge crowd in kink attire and a leather daddy getting blown on the sidewalk in front of me. My first thought was “I love San Francisco, this is amazing!” I was really inspired because I saw all these people who were openly exploring all these different facets of their sexuality and non-sexual kink acts. It was amazing to witness because I finally felt like I had words for what I had always felt were big pieces of myself. I was a kinkster and I wanted to learn all I could about this BDSM stuff!!!  While my experience at Folsom was inspiring & eye-opening, it was also super intimidating. How was I supposed to jump into that sea of hot kinky people? About a year later I decided I’d go to a kink store and ask about a good starting place. I ended up at “Madame S & Mr. S”, as it was known back then. The sales person recommended a few of their favorite books. I started reading SM 101by Jay Wiseman, opened a Collarme.com (now called collarspace.com) account, started researching all I could, and even started making my own floggers out of recycled bike tire tubes.

It wasn’t until a few years later while I was living in Salt Lake City that I started to step out into the community. I went to my first munch (non-sexual social meet up for kinksters) and attended my first play party shortly thereafter.  It was at that party that I recognized the deep love between two partners as I observed their heavy impact scene. Witnessing the joy & intimacy in what outside eyes would call violence further solidified that I was exploring the correct path for me.

Desperate for a break of the homogeny of SLC at the time, I next made my way to Los Angeles. “Vanilla” life was for sure an improvement and the kink scene was vastly larger.  Although I made some really good kinky friends in LA, I still didn’t feel super connected to the kink scene at large. I was meeting lots of people at munches and we shared an interest in kink, but not much else. Added to that there just weren’t many other brown people, or I didn’t know where to find them. I was happy that there were lots of outlets for kink, but I was having trouble meeting more than a handful of people with a similar experience or on a similar wavelength.

Fast forward to the present, I feel as though my kinky self has really blossomed in the 8 years I’ve been in LA. There have been many lessons learned in communication & prioritizing sexual compatability. As sex positivity has grown in the social lexicon, I’ve watched other brown people throw off the chains of respectability politics and other hurdles to exploring their sexuality, and claim it for their own. Through the QTIPOC group ObsidianLA, I have been able to connect to other brown people creating kink spaces and visibility. Black People Kink is a podcast hosted by a melanated 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) couple, conducting interviews and discussions on kink from a relatable perspective. These and forums like these are vital beacons for others to know there is a community to connect to beyond the paradigm of white-centered kink.

Through my relationship with my partner and collared slut, Genevieve, I have been reminded that it’s ok to follow your own path and create the kinky universe you want to live in. Our work with Sacred Sadism is the embodiment of that in the way it shows a different aesthetic for how kink can be practiced and envisioned. Through helping to create new ways of connecting to kink for others I have found a place that feels like home. It has helped me to find others in this world of kink that are seeking something different than the mainstream view of BDSM. To me that is an essential element of kink – it can be whatever you want it to be. Take the principles and apply them in a way that works for you.

Written by Themba @tembizzle, one half of ethical eco-fetishist sex toy label @sacredsadism

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